Review Royale Ep. 1 – “Inglorious Basterds”

Some tasty burgerMan I wanted to do a Tarantino movie review… Was I ever in for it. While virtually all of his movies consist of so many anecdotes, tropes and references to various cultural media you almost couldn’t even count – and therefore their reviews have to be sought by a prism of so many things your head will explode. The new flick however, is another type of ball-buster.

Simply put – I watched it, and when the credits started to roll out I felt a combination of being the stupidest person alive and yet that the world I live in is the most “Jack-Nicholson-with-a-knife-beautiful” place there is where such a brain fuckfest could be legally called a “movie” and showed at Cannes.

I thought and I divagated, to the point I wasn’t entirely sure whether “divagated” is a word. And I just can’t properly write about it – “Inglorious Basterds” is so indigestible (purposely made so by that maniac of a director we all love), it will cause a thought diarrhea in your head, blow it clean and leave you stumped wondering was the last two hours a dream or reality – and if so should you pant on the floor in utter submission.

And to top it off, every review of the thing I saw to date was laughable at best, the redactors desperately trying to not lose their carefully crafted (by citing a hundred irrelevant past movies/actors/directors per article) illusion of knowledge and familiarity with the medium. The bit more life-sturdy just counted the cast of actors saying each did a marvelous job. Wow.

So screw that -> I’m going home! Ah, wait, I’m already there… Ok – so screw that, I’m too lazy and undereducated to ponder a good review. Instead I’m just going to toss some bullshit around, just like tabloid folks.

Behold – the Review Royale series! In which I’m going to write one-sentenced pseudo-relevant analysis of media my mind just refuses to cope with… or on some level of hidden genius just don’t need more words. But to make it even easier for myself (like a purgation medicine) and more in-your-face-ESERB, I’m making it mandatory to use the word “motherfucker” in Review Royales.

– What?!

– What” ain’t no country I ever heard of! They speak English in “What”?!


– What?!

– Say “what” again. Say “what” again! I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say “what” one more goddamn time!

So don’t say it and listen. Here goes:

“…motherfucker, if I had the money to do a flick where there is no means – to certainly no ends – and its sole purpose of existence were to drug the audience into a coma, sweating to see the means and the ends, and then bitch-slap them with scenes of utter violence and gore from nowhere just to prove a point anything is possible in Hollywood – AND life – so you mind as well make the most fun out of it while it lasts… I’d be the happiest man alive.”

cliffy-chainsaw x 8 / 10

…told you I’d do Cliffies instead of boring raw numbers.

P.S. Don’t exactly know why, maybe I just should stop writing these things at fucking one o’clock at night, by I kinda thought this article about a new console would be a good last chord to this opera of intellectual infirmity. Mine’s already pre-ordered. Deluxe edition – comes with a pump for some reason.

P.P.S. Today – “District 9”. Not that I don’t think it’s crap, but lame marketing slogans like “the successor to Blade Runner” do make me want to hibernate for the next century or so and see if PR people developed some kind of imagination. Stay tunned. If I can’t make this one out, I’m throwing myself from the tallest building in Cambridge… which is like two stories tall… damn this English building industry…


~ by Pawel Wyslowski on September 5, 2009.

3 Responses to “Review Royale Ep. 1 – “Inglorious Basterds””

  1. Hehe, you’re sharpening your edge with every blog entry :) Keep it up. And btw… ‘District 9’ is more like Half Life-2 (but a movie) than Blade Runner, and I heard from people with a similar taste that it’s damn good movie (though pure action, no hidden ‘Blade Runner’esque meanings involved). So I’m waiting impatiently for it :). Not that I don’t love Blade Runner (because I do, deeply).

    • Half-life-ish movie? My God! I’m getting up, and going to see it RIGHT NOW… or in a month, when it comes out. Meh.
      As for the Basterds – it was simply brilliant. I don’t remember when was the last time I have seen a movie so awesome. Then againt – I’m a total sucker for Tarantino, so I loved it before I even heard about it.

      • Yeah, Tarantino should get a lifetime Fuckfest award for that movie, but in James Gunn’s fashion – meaning everything you like about fucking-up Nazis… except for the sex.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: